Truth

You cannot understand what we feel if you’ve never felt it yourself. You cannot pretend to know how to handle it when you find out your different. You cannot begin to fathom what it feels like when the very fiber of your being, is rewritten and changed without your consent. But you want to understand. Those who know the feeling know that the species they are… is wrong. They don’t think like others of their kind. Don’t fear the same things. Have trouble reading and communicating with others of “their” kind.

Why is that? Can you take a guess? Well I’ll give you an example very close to home. Take me. Growing up I was often alone. Called anti-social, weird, ugly, fat, and so on. And people expected me to stand up for myself like I knew who that was. I had no more clue who this strange two legged… thing was that was in my mirror. I had no clue how it should think or feel. How it was supposed to mingle and mesh with other two leggers. “I’m not a two legger.” It was the only thing that ran through my mind, over and over like a broken record.

Yet here was someone who I could FEEL living, but it never felt like me. “I have four legs, fur, tail, sharp teeth, paws…” here, I didn’t have any of that. So what do you do when everything about you feels wrong? You hide. You stay as far away from others as you can. Stay in the shadows. Do what your past has taught you.

Stay away. Get to close and they will kill you. Never trust them because it’s only a matter of time before they realise what you are, and kill you. You can’t understand how it feels to be a human but constantly think in wolf terms. How it feels to want to growl and fight just to relieve pent up stress. How it feels to be alone because you cannot forget what those two leggers did to you.

People tell you to fake it if you don’t know the answer. So I fake it. I fake it at home. I fake it out and about. I fake it all the time. Because I don’t know anything. Not in this species. And what happens when you fake yourself? You don’t know who yourself is because yourself is a wolf and hated by most two leggers. So even when people tell you, “relationships rely on you being yourself”, you can’t even do that.

You feel alone with friends. You feel alone with family. And you feel at home with dogs, cats, horses, or what have you? Why? Because you know their language. It is close to the one you speak even more than English. It is close to your heart. The sounds, sound the same. The actions are close to the same. You feel the same. You’re no longer alone! But they tell you. “They are just animals.” “We are your family.” “What about your friends?”

“What about me?!” You want to scream it to the heavens. “I feel at HOME with them. I feel they ARE my family.” It’s not just a thought it’s who you are. You can’t change that. And yet at every turn they try to. Always tell you, “don’t let anyone change you”, but being the way you are is wrong. When you hear that enough, you give in.

Try to be what they want. Try to make them happy. Put on a brave face. Try to be a leader in a different way. Try to be what they want. But when it comes down to it, you’re fooling yourself. You’re still a wolf. Growling, fighting, mud, water, woods, snow, howling, these are all things you feel you need with you and your pack. The very thing that everyone keeps telling you to leave, you need. Your animals become your own pups.

You lead them, you take care of them. However, no matter what you do every time you look in the mirror you die. “This isn’t ME.” So if you’re like me. You try to find ways of acting. Becoming a different character you can relate to. But hidden away. Sitting alone in the corner. Is still your true self. The puppy that wants so badly to be allowed to grow, enjoy life. Live.

You act like a leader, look out for and protect your pack. You plan a future and hope to remember your true past. You clutch every straw, every leaf, every branch, every scent from your true past life, and you lock them away. Hide them with your inner puppy. You become a leader, take on as many aspects of your true self that you can and let them become you. But inside is still the puppy. The little, tiny, afraid puppy. Afraid to be brave. Afraid to lead. Afraid to live. Afraid to be. Afraid of itself. Afraid of you. Afraid of two legs. Afraid of this life.

How do you live with all that and not completely break internally? You. Can’t. You only half live. Because fully living in this body is impossible. You will NEVER understand that if it’s NEVER happened to you.